Man Feminism

Man Feminist

If the title of this article confuses you…great! This means it’s spot on, because there is really no such thing.

One quick Google search of the word ‘Feminism’ & you’ll get a whole bunch of definitions. However, the overlapping similarity would be advocating for women’s rights on the basis of gender equality.

A movement had to be made in our largely patriarchal society to remind men that a whole other group of people who have been existing for as long as they have deserve rights too.

Wild!

Now that we have that all sorted out.

Here are some male feminist archetypes; an oxymoron.

The Captain Save A Hoes

How to identify them? It usually goes a little something like this.

“I understand feminism however, I still feel women should…..”

EEEEEEEEEN!

Wrong.

Allies do not deserve hypervisibility. A man feminist like this has somewhat of a messiah complex. He thinks he can save women by telling them what men want. Persons like this typically come from a place of feigned understanding; I love women so much, that’s why I want to tell them what to do in order to live in my misogynistic world.

Captain-Save-A-Hoes believe they are feminists & think they know what’s best for the movement.

Found the problem?

If you still haven’t, we’ll point it out to you.

Ding!!! Ding!!!

They are still ultimately telling women what to do ergo policing their behavior.

The Men Are Trash but Women are Trasher Brigade

These man feminists tend to victim blame all the way to their largely invalid point. They claim to understand the patriachal society & it’s confines but they clearly do not.

“Men are trash”

This man feminist regulates this statement to hetereosexual relationships. The long old boring tale of the bitter woman scorned. They believe women deserve the treatment they receive as long as they let it happen. Here’s the problem with these men, other than the fact that they are requiring the oppressed to do double the work to be equal; do the work because they are oppressed & take double initiative cause they ‘allowed’ it happen.

It also misses the point of the whole movement.

The statement “Men are Trash” isn’t just about sexual or romantic relationships. Although, it could be used appropriately within those confines as well.

The statement above is an expression of all the agony that comes with the patriarchy. It condemns toxic masculinity & it’s snowball effect in our society. Take for example the normalization of violence when it comes to raising boys who will eventually become men.

How is this a woman’s fault? Sure, some women may be complaisant. However, making them comparable is a reach. A false equivalence. It’s simply; just not true.

& then we have;

The Ego Babies

‘Men are trash but I am different so stop saying that because it bothers me & my feelings.’

Ego baby man feminist say they understand why women would make statements alluding to their trash gender counterparts. However, they just can’t seem to get over that uncomfortable hump. They want you to stop because it bothers their fragile ego.

They’re different! & they want you to know that & redesign your whole movement while taking them & their feelings into account.

Self-proclaimed Mr. Nice guys generally tend to be Ego babies. They would like us to make even more allowances for them & their ego.

Who cares that the whole reason of the feminist movement is for equality?

…Right?

The I am A Feminist but I’d Rather Not Say

‘I am a feminist but I no longer identify as this because I don’t like where the movement has gone’

A lot of women with internalized misogyny are in this boat. As a matter of fact it’s their favorite one. But we digress.

Man feminist like these seem to think their lackluster attempt at identity politics matters in the movement. They really should be seen more than heard. The oppressor can say whatever they want, but they cannot make the rules.

If you ever catch yourself saying anything to the tone of this, you still secretly hate women. Your warped logic tells us you never were truly apart of the resistance, since you can be so easily swayed.

The Sapiosexual Man Feminist

Probably the most vile of the archetypes.

‘I will agree with whatever she says and maybe I’ll get some ass?’

The sapiosexual man feminist only cares about getting in between them cheeks. & yes, this sounds crass, that’s cause it’s meant to be. Sapiosexual man feminists are as crass as they come. Man feminist like these tend to think if they attend enough women empowerment events & agree with women most times like a dim-witted simpleton, they will be paid in return.

Usually, through a sexual relationship or intercourse. They suck the most because sapiosexual man feminists probably can’t even spell feminism.

They don’t know the first thing it stands for. Much like the way society is already set up, the sapiosexual man feminist largely views women as sexual objects.

So we’ll round this conversation off by saying this;

If you can’t be part of the solution, don’t add to the problem. Especially, under the guise of helping or ‘mediating’.

If a man feminist really wanted to help. He’d spend more of his time advocating to his gender. But that would then just make him simply a feminist.

There is no wrong or right way to be woman. Women aren’t monolithic & therefore we should be able to safely choose how we wish to express ourselves. Every expression of woman is valid –except they are comitting crimes or physically harming anyone– you get the drift.

The idea that a certain type of expression of woman is more valid than another is the antithesis of the feminist movement.

Why?

Because the ‘lesser’ valid expression could & will always be weaponized against women. Then used as a tool to control them.

Look around. This is already the society we live in.

The future, is woman.

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Tales of An African; American

Writing this recently after attending an event many Africans; well at the very least Nigerians are familiar with.

Short Stories by Anonymous

A celebration of life, the quintessential 40th birthday party of some relative.

To my best knowledge, it doesn’t really have to be on your 40th per say. Nigerians love to party, the older ones?

They go even harder.

The party was supposed to start at 4:00pm. But we are Sub-Saharan; Black.

African Standard Time factors in at least a 1.5hr delay.

Okay, sure.

It’s terrible that we collectively make excuses for our tardiness. Worse even that we use our race as an excuse…but this isn’t that type of story.

Nevertheless, my African-American ass had me early & in there at 5pm.

Now, those of us who have been previously strong armed into assisting with the setup to an event like this, may be familiar with the setting I am trying to describe.

Setting up church related events are also sometimes parallel to it. It goes a little something like this.

The DJ is setting up.

Aluminum trays packed with steaming jollof rice are being brought in & placed in food chafers while some one tries to locate a lighter.

Usually, from the Uncle allegedly “quitting” smoking.

Cultural disclaimer!!!

Showing up early -or really on time- for an African event is tantamount to volunteering to help.

Women are automatic servers & the men lift things that need to be moved.

Ugh!

New faces get a guest pass. However, that quickly wears out the more familiar & acquainted you get.

At this point in my life, my hair is grown out & in braids; my favorite protective style. Also, a taboo to my parents & their Nigerian culture.

Since doing so, Nigerians have began to assume I am African American.

Which I am.

Catch my drift though.

They react to me as such.

Saying hello in an American accent. Shooting me the weird tight lipped foreigner smile & then proceeding to joke me in Yoruba to the nearest person that will listen.

This speaks to a bigger issue on Blackness & how we interact with one another within our own community. I can’t say the animosity shrouded in ‘jokes’ are strictly one-sided.

But this isn’t that type of story.

Since then I have realized how rude Nigerians naturally are.

As if growing up around them wasn’t enough of a longitudinal case study.

Right?

Anyways, upon arriving to the party, the hired photographer was; doing his job. Taking pictures behind me, he did not fail to say something slick in Yoruba about my ‘Akata’ hairstyle.

The word ‘Akata’ is vile. It has done so much damage within our community, affecting inter-cultural relations & it needs to die.

Talk-less of the fact that Nigerians don’t know their own history because before colonization we braided our hair regardless of gender.

Ah! Good ole western brainwashing.

I mean, ‘education’.

What’s even more absurd?

Sometimes, the jokes are so funny I laugh. Then they realize I understand my language; Yoruba & they begin to stare at me like I grew a third head.

Who are the parents of this miscreant?

How come they let him out into a public like this?

You can see the thoughts spinning in their puny minds.

Who cares though?

I’m grown.

Besides, my favorite part of the party has already commenced.

The prayer over the food which means it’s almost time to chow down!

& with that, mo lo jeun mehn!

“May All Your Enemies Fall Inside A Gutter”

*Based off real stories by “Anonymous”. Names changed to protect identity.

Short Stories By Anonymous

Olotoro lo man koko jiya. ‘Slang’ Yoruba.

A simple adage that translates to; the person telling the truth is always the first person to suffer.

I tell my daughter this all the time.

Is it dreary? Absolutely.

However, in a society like mine where power & influence overcome common sense -coupled with the wicked tendencies of man’s heart- one could only imagine what consequences you will suffer for being extremely passionate & loud about the truth.

Obviously, if everyone speaks up, eventually a wave of change would come, but the first person(s) to start this domino effect always bares the consequences.

Life just isn’t necessarily always ‘fair’.

& there he was, inside the gutter.

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It’s been almost 10 years since I have been labelled the title “Widow”. It’s still extremely shocking to me because I could have never predicted this, & honestly; neither did I want the responsibility.

My husband & I were somewhat of ‘highschool sweethearts’; we didn’t attend the same Secondary school but we met each other around that age.

Today was a regular, Tuesday in Akure.

Although, to shake things up. I got up super early, & headed to the yard to see if I could nab some tardy employees. A little bit of unpredictability; used in the right context of course, is necessary to run a thriving business in my country.

Quite, alright & just as I had expected, upon arriving to my establishment; I discovered most of the staff had yet to resume.

This is where the unpredictability in context plays in.

I lock the gates of my establishment 20 minutes after the staff ought to have resumed to work, intending to catch the awfully tardy ones red-handed!  Hear their excuses & write them up the ones with bad stories.

The regular.

After an additional 20 minutes, I walk outside, open the establishments gate, with all the zeal necessary to chastise my late employees. You see, I’m a woman & we need to be ferocious around these parts to be taken seriously. Even then you aren’t assured anything regardless of your work ethic.

& there he was, literally -maybe even metaphorically- in the gutter.

Just outside the company gate.

Pastor *Bassey’s vehicle; with him in it,  had somehow fallen into one of the gutters near the side of my office.

Even more interesting?  He was calling out for my assistance.

Moi?

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This Pastor that had a hand in his demise.

Yes, it’s no secret that my husband & I have always had a strained & tumultuous relationship. Ever since the conception of our first child! But that gave Pastor Bassey no right to exploit a weak marriage for his personal & selfish gain.

Unbeknown to me, Pastor Bassey was one of the people poisoning my husband’s heart against me. The spearhead leader of the ‘Your wife is a witch’ campaign. I found out about this from him, during  his dying moments.

He told me everything & kept apologizing profusely.

Much like Pastor Bassey is doing right now.

All I’ve done is stare at him. I haven’t uttered a word. 

Why is he apologising? 

‘Alhaja, e ma binu, se mo se yin ni?’

‘Alhaja, I’m sorry, did I offend you?’

People think women lack gumption around these parts.

They see a hijab-wearing middle-aged lady & they automatically assume their half-apologies should always be met with ingress.

This outward appearance may read as ‘docile’ for some around these parts.

I just keep watching him -for what seemed like- a while. At least to me, I was cut away from my thoughts by his cries of apology.

So I cut him off; ‘you didn’t offend me, you offended God’

I replied.

It is very common for ‘Men of God’ to exploit their social status as ‘holy men’ within the community for their self gain; around these parts. 

Pastor Bassey was no different. He saw some money, a weak marriage, & a husband with a huge ego. Ergo the perfect breeding ground for greedy men who seek to exploit.

The mere fact that he felt the need to apologize on the spot, coupled with him -& his car- physically being in the gutter, while he keeps calling out from my help, all seemed oddly symbolic for me.

I should let him sort it out by himself.

He never reached out one time, after my husband’s unfortunate demise.

Not even one phone call!

Extremely atypical behavior for someone who stayed in contact with our family regularly. Checking into my husband’s ear every other day.

Purposefully misleading him, massaging his ego, in exchange for money offered for church donations & “prayers”.

Now the idiot needs help?

Life really does come at you full circle abi?

I intended on leaving him there. Sorry, stuck & wretched.

Then something made me stop & think; why do you always come up on top?

Even when I’m oblivious & unaware that I’m walking through the valley of the shadow of death -which could honestly describe my 15 year union- things always found its way to turn around back in my favor. I equate this to my lifestyle. I avoid causing any unwarranted harm or hurt to my fellow human.

I am a woman of my word & whenever the opportunity presents itself where I can comfortably be of help to my fellow human; I take it.

Pastor Bassey -as disgusting & off-putting as he was to look at now- was not going to be any different.

He was not going to dictate my character.

Was this a life test?

God knows.

All I know was, I asked some of the tardy employees to drive my car out; I got in it.

I had a meeting to catch. I also told them to help Pastor Bassey & his vehicle out of the gutter. I watched them push & pull his car out, he face seemed a little less distress once his car tyres were actually on the main road.

Pastor Bassey even broke a smile & my direction. He began to walk to in the direction of my car.

Surely, he didn’t think my being of assistance meant an open invitation for conversation?

I waited for him to get as close as possible to my vehicle, while I waited with the car door open. Once he was close enough & with earreach, I watched him gather his wits. As he summoned enough confidence to talk, I slammed my car door in his face & sped off!

‘Ode!’

Idiot

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What does he think this is?

The next week I got a very important call. I found out a contract I had been gunning for for the past 8 years -& to no avail- finally came through! & I didn’t have to grease any hands.

I was flabbergasted! & immediately my mind casted back to my encounter with Pastor Bassey.

Do you believe in Karma? I don’t know.

I just know I feel better when I don’t play God.

Olotoro lo man koko jiya‘ but it always pay off in long run.

…at least this has been my experience.

Wanna tell your  story? Contact us in the contact box down below.

Ready, Set, Grow!

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It’s No Longer Marketable to be An Asshole in this Society.

You will get shamed.

& you can see this through the recent spewing of –for lack of being bothered to find a better word– dumb shit, followed by an apology series from a plethora of your celebrity faves. Newly added on to the list; Jess Hilarious & Daniel Caesar.

Any person with an iota of influence seems to have the incessant need to get “on live” to express their undeveloped & most times bigoted thoughts. Then eventually, after receiving a well-deserved backlash; run back to the internet –on live–  apologizing for their foolish & reckless rhetoric. On most occasions, said persons of interest barely shows any initial inkling of remorse or care. When the bags start to stop & the pockets start to hurt, they finally string up a few words & conjure up some alligator tears for sacrifice, in form of “an apology”.

One can only wonder if they were ever honestly sorry, or if they’re sorry their career is about to be affected by the dumb sh#%t they willing spewed unprovoked.

However, We Digress.

To say this; being a good person is better. & now, society is actively pushing for that. Millennials –& under– are aggressively pushing to exist in a better world.

We are taking into account the consequences of our words & the effect they have on culture & society. If the recent tensions in the U.S -thanks to the salacious offensive & divisive words of the American President- doesn’t show you the power of terminology in real-time?

Then we don’t know how to help you sis!

Personal Growth is Beautiful.

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An individual experiencing growth &/or change in life is experiencing one of the most exhilarating things life has to offer & its free! …for the most part.

Suddenly, it all clicks in your head! You’re the author of your destiny & you’re fully capable of pushing & squeeze at life until you get the results you want.

No settling over here sis! The power of knowing this is second to none.

You no longer feel helpless or like a backseat driver in your reality. With this new-found trust in self, you wholeheartedly express yourself.

Engulf yourself in activities or hobbies you truly care about.

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Wonderful right?

Here’s the problem, your new growth, albeit wonderful & fully centered around you, also affects the people surrounding you. Your new spunk could be a catalyst or a point of encouragement for your friends to pursue their own goals & growth. The ideal reaction.

However, this is not always the case. Not everyone will respond to the developing you with positive feedback. Don’t take it personal, even if it hurts.

You see, there are people inherently insecure about the things they think can’t change in their lives;”stuck people”. Since you’re the one growing, you know there is no such thing a truly “stuck person”, the power lies within them. But, they don’t believe that for themselves. Due to these insecurities from within, stuck people feel the need to outwardly challenge their progressing friend.

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Negs. Not in the sexual –but just as toxic– “Pick-Up Artist” culture way.

Ohhhh, I didn’t know you’re into that”

You only started liking this because of …(insert whatever reason intended to discredit you “new” preference)”

When I began my journey with self growth & development, I was bombarded with statements starting exactly like that, every time I put new hobbies or my hidden talents in the forefront.

Some people are honestly simply curious; which doesn’t make it less triggering, but it does create understanding.

You have to protect your growth like it’s gold because it is. It’s the key to the path you have always prayed for, on the journey to a better you. You will keep on learning & changing, until you become the exact person you want to be.

Losing stubborn people on the way is fine too. Stuck people from your past seem to have a hard-on for any chance they get to remind you of your old self. Take it as a reflection of how far you have come. Block them out. They don’t matter.

Why Assist Someone else in Holding up a Reality You have Chosen No longer to Live?

When you first free fall into the never-ending journey of self discovery, it could be a scary & unfamiliar feat. A constant battle with imposter syndrome & reinforcing positivity in your mind, reminding yourself that you truly are, who you say you are.

You know this because you are finally allowing yourself to express the things you’ve always been naturally pulled towards. Friends & family who don’t give you the space to achieve this in their reality don’t deserve the space to be in yours.

& yes!

It is that deep.

Self growth doesn’t mean you can’t get mad or sad. Sometimes you’ll slip back into old habits. I find when these negative emotions try to engulf me & I begin to see myself as my worst possible self, redirecting that energy into the new interests that feed my soul quickly quells those mean thoughts.

Like Crissle –from the hit Podcast The Read– therapist’s roughly said;

If your life was a marathon would you rather have cheerleaders at the end of the race cheering you on & encouraging you, reminding you of power in self or would you want someone who constantly calls you a dumbass every time you misstep or trip?

Be patient & kind with yourself. Realise the power in your reactions & knowing you control your reality.

Keep striving for the best developed you & anyone who cannot accept this, is merely reflecting their own self-hate & personal insecurities.

Just remember, WhoToldYou.

Free TV: 7 Talk Shows Rabbitholes To Dive Into On YouTube

Society has programmed all of us to believe learning –at least the majority– only takes place in a classroom.

We beg to differ.

We propose consumption of most knowledge applicable to our lifestyle takes place outside the classroom. Through interacting with other human beings. Stepping out of your echo chamber to possibly learn about someone else’s.

So here are;

7 Talk Show Rabbitholes to Dive Into

& they’re on youtube; hello access!

Learn a thing or 2in context– of your diaspora family & vice versa.

1. Taking Up Space

Produced by Netflix, Taking Up Space is a youtube web series highlighting the importance of representation.

Shot documentary-style, it explains the plight of black people occupying spaces that lack enough black bodies. From describing the experiences of black college students in Ivy schools like Yale University, to black animators explaining their various diverse journeys to success. Trials & tribulations, & specifically what keeps them motivated.

2. King Woman

A show that makes you proud to be called a woman. A black woman. A Nigerian woman. King Woman is simply great programming. It feeds the soul for the everyday woman go-getter, willing to continue to fight & strive to achieve great success against all odds.

The brainchild of Kemi Adetiba & produced by Accelerate TV, King Woman is an interview-based series. Stories like that of Taiwo Ajayi-Lycett; a renowned Nigerian actress, who appears in Nigerian & British screenplays, is one of the reason we are tuned into this soul-filling programming.

3. Battabox 

Just a hoot! Ever wanted to watch everyday Nigerians give their thoughts & opinions on random, funny. & sometimes even controversial questions?

Well then Battabox  has got you covered.

& it’s hilarious!…for the most part.

A BattaBox reporter goes around the streets of Lagos asking Nigerians for their hot takes on world hot topics. The personality of the people definitely shines through. However, Battabox isn’t restricted to only street interviews. They shoot some cool documentaries too. Like visiting the “Twin Capital” of the world. A town called Igbo Ora.

Igbo Ora has the highest birth rate of twins in the entire world ! Battabox gets into the everyday lifestyle of the people in order to investigate this wonderful occurrence. Documenting their lifestyle & dietary choices as a huge possible influence on their multi-fetus outcome.

4. The Grapevine TV 

Young & knowledgeable millennials give input on hot topics affecting our everyday lives as it pertains to us millennials.

It is shot panel-style but don’t stress it. There’s a mediator; everyone is given an opportunity to fully give their input. The young professionals, artists & cultural innovators are switched out every episode. So this way, the opinions & thought processes are kept fresh.

5. BK chat LDN

Based in the UK, BK chat is a panel of people in the diaspora & different walks of life, giving their personal opinions on various life situations. The panel or cast members are seldom interchanged. The audience is able to grow with certain cast members they favor & there are definitely fan favorites. The cast is extremely unapologetic & vibrant.

Expect random & passion-filled episodes.

6. Breakfast Club Interviews

Everyone knows the world’s most dangerous morning talk show. The Breakfast Club is known for their iconic interviews with legends in the music industry. Put some respect on their name the next time you say it. However, we are highlighting the hidden gems in their interviews. The Breakfast Club has been doing their fair share of giving black people a platform to share their brilliant ideas, while also sharing extremely valuable knowledge with the negro population.

Above is an interview is Angel Rich an entrepreneur who launched an app called “Credit Stacker”; a game designed to provide information to the people, by teaching them how to build or repair their credit as they play with the game. Angel Rich is also a published author.

& there’s their interview with Ali Gates; a math savant, explaining his path to success & building an app called “Claim it”. Ali Gates explains dealing with his social awkwardness while trying to pitch his ideas & why it is important for more black people to learn how to code.

7. Hustle

A new  TV show on Viceland. John Henry; a successful entrepreneur, earned through selling his successful dry cleaner business to an even bigger competitor at the young age of 21, goes around helping young & wiling entrepreneurs achieve even more success in the products they are selling.

John Henry looks into diverse entrepreneurs from various walks of life & gives them advice on how to build their business from scratch. On this latest episode he visits a determined jam maker & connoisseur in New York city.

Color Theory For Dummies

All the creative credit goes to Aerin Creer. Thank you for inspiring us.

A model-activist-badass. If you don’t know Aerin, then you need to get to know!

A confident conscious black girl. Who utilizes her platform, drawing attention to different social issues & discrimination in society –& the modeling industry– while simultaneously serving looks!

Aerin Creer is in touch with her blackness. She is also aware that there is no one  singular way to be “black”; a reference for the Negros in the diaspora, from an interview with Spicy. We are all black! because of this we stan.

& as an original bad bitch, Aerin was kind enough to share on her social media –twitter– @aerincreer how we can also strive & thrive to afford the look, while looking fabulous!

Color theory is the practical guidance of mixing colors & visual effects produced from a specific color combination.

Today is a class on how to pull looks with lessons from Aerin Creer.

Aerin Creer on;

Complementary Colors

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Aerin Creer on;

Monochrome/Split Complementary Colors 

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Aerin Creer schooling us on

Earth Tones

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Aerin Creer;

Stepping On Necks! 

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Now thank your fashion godmother.

Aerin creer. Who is also an advocate for arteriovenous malformation (AVM). Born with it; unbeknownst to her at first. Aerin had to go through a 13 hour brain surgery & speech therapy during recovery. She’s of the baddest & most authentic girl you’d ever meet from the Bay Area, San Francisco.

 

Love On A Budget

Location Setting: West Africa; Nigeria

Short Stories With Anonymous

A salacious tale of passionate love & sexcapades, with a frugal millennial lacking a trust fund account. So naturally, i’m simply more creative.

& so the story goes; 

i had just graduated from University, ’twas a fun & innocent time. The world was my innocent oyster. I had accomplished a lot; or so I thought. Just earned my Bachelor’s Degree in Business Management.

I was on my direct path to being a millionaire, right? Wrong !

Maybe in the olden days not in this Baby Boomer’s economy. However, this isn’t a rant about the state of world global economics.

Every Nigerian with any intent of joining the workforce, has to participate in a compulsory programme called the National Youth Service Corps (NYSC).

Nigeria is a multicultural country, with an estimation of about 250 ethnic groups. All with their unique culture & way of interaction. NYSC was an initiative created in 1973; aimed at bridging the gap between the different Nigerian ethnicities & developing Nigeria. Corp members (Nigerian graduates) are placed in states other than their state of origin to encourage intermingling between ethnicities. & learning about the culture of the location they are placed  in.

Now,

depending on your personal level of financial buoyancy –& or nepotism/cronyism– there are ways to jerk or finagle your way around the system. However, the process familiar with every Nigerian has become somewhat of a rite of passage. & you cannot run for President without an NYSC certificate, proving your service to your country.

The beginning of the programme starts with a scheduled 3 weeks “orientation” in a controlled military camp or base. It is usually the hardest part to get out of & most Nigerians would attend camp.

This is were most of the love stories & magic happens. I already had a boyfriend before I went to serve my country. Today’s story is about how I skipped camp to have some hot & ravenous sex with my –then– boyfriend.

‘Twas a hard time in the Nigerian economy -lol when has it not been though?- & there was a huge fuel scarcity. Nigeria as whole literally runs on fossil fuels, with barely any constant electricity.

Most “well-to-do” Nigerians have a generator in their backyard to combat this issue. Lack of constant electricity also kills many local business before they have the chance to truly take root, -buying diesel everyday to operate a generator may not be great for one’s bottomline.-

But yeah, basically the country was in a little bit of chaos. No fuel consequently led to an immediate spike in the prices of goods & services, creating an artificial ultra high inflation bubble…& I was broke.

Brokedt. On a budjet.

I had been placed in Calabar for my youth corps programme –i lived in Lagos– ,my boyfriend; Femi & I worked through the long distance. He was self employed for a while, so he already had a full-time job. Femi usually paid my air fares  from Calabar to see him in Lagos. I didn’t have a job, so I couldn’t afford the air fare. NYSC did pay, but it could only be considered a little stipend at best. After about 3 back & forth trips of Femi baring the financial brunt of our meetings, he became –expectedly– irritable.

You see, I was allegedly supposed to be from a well off family to his knowledge. & Femi couldn’t comprehend why I simply didn’t ask my dad for financial support. Little did he know my dad & I have always had a tumultuous relationship.

My parents were divorced & barely got along. At the time, I thought it necessary for my survival to keep a happy face of prosperity & enjoyment to the public. In Nigerian society you could be ostracized & liable for the sins of your problematic family. This creates a toxic cycle of victims barely addressing the real issues of what goes on behind closed doors or even seeking help in the first place.

Now, older & wiser, I realized it is all a facade & a game of “Keeping Up With the Jones”, most of the women in those marble houses are sad.

I didn’t think Femi would comprehend the concept of a father who seems to hate his own daughter. Nigerians are extremely family oriented, brainwashed to seldom question authority & take an ‘adult’s‘ word, as bond.  Although I trusted Femi, I wasn’t ready to be that vulnerable with him, this affair in my house was one of the biggest shames I carried around mentality. I was fine with his quick assumption of me being a spoilt rich brat, although…that hurt too.

My days in Calabar were coming to an end. It was the last week on camp, things were slowly winding down & I decided I was going to pay Femi one last visit before I travelled back home. I called his cell expressing my intentions & we almost immediately  go into a tiff over the airplane fees. In the heat of the moment, I hung up on him & he never called back.

3 days went by & still no call back from the love of my life. I then I devised the wonderful idea to just surprise him!

As I stated before; I was strapped for cash. A broke millennial, so I decided to be adventurous & creative. Taking public transportation cross country on the hunt for love & some bomb dick.

By bus, the trip from Calabar to Lagos was going to take 11 long hours. But that was nothing but a token of my love & appreciation.

I woke up early on Friday of the same week, packed my weekend to-go bag with my bus fare N6250;17.24USD; 15 EUROs, ready to surprise my prince charming. The fare was usually N4000, however due to fuel scarcity there was a sharp spike in prices.

At 6:00pm I get myself to the bus stop in Onitsha; a city located in Southern Nigeria, giddy & pent up with a plethora of emotions mostly; excitement.

This was my first real rodeo with public transportation in Nigeria. I was nervous but proud of myself for getting this far. I found myself a comfortable seat; next to the window & waited for the journey to commence.

Everything seems fine & dandy enough, I even ask myself why I had never considered this as a means of transportation. Yes, most of the connecting roads in Nigeria were dilapidated, yet the cost of this trip was making it look even more attractive as a viable option.

An hour into the bus ride I decided to give Femi a call, I did want to surprise him. However, I realized it wasn’t wise to doing some major long distance travelling without informing any of my loved ones of my whereabouts. I certainly wasn’t telling my family, so I told Femi I was on the way.

New flash! He didn’t believe me. There was no way in hell the boujee bitch he thought he knew, was inside a molue bus. He thought wrong, but I guess I could show him better than I could tell him. 6 hours into the bus ride & things had been pretty uneventful, little did I know I was in for a ride of my life.The bus randomly breaks down in Delta state in the middle of the night. S. O. S. & the freak out began.

Passengers started getting ansty, after hearing several empty promises from the bus conductor & his failing vehicle, most of them started to jump ship. Asking for their fare fees back, so as to join another bus & continue their journey to their perspective places. Multiple pleads & to no avail from the passengers after, the bus conductor gave in returning the fares to the passengers who requested them.

I wasn’t quite as bold, I was scared. Shook.

It was 1:00am in the morning!

& I had no idea where I was. I decided to do the safe thing –to some– & stay put! Commencing the journey in the morning like the bus driver promised. I call Femi to give him a heads up about my current state of affairs & ding! Ding! You guessed it ! He still didn’t believe me. It probably also didn’t help that we played a lot of pranks in our relationship.

Although at this point the doubt was getting tiresome & tedious. Especially since I wasn’t sure if my life was in danger or not.

However, I stayed put. After all, what was the alternative? Walking around in the dark? I’m also a woman, so my safety was even that much more important to me, living in a world where women are seen as an easy target.

The next day, just as the bus conductor promised the journey continued. & I arrived at my destination in Yaba, Lagos. I had called Femi in the morning telling him to be a the bus stop because this was no prank & I was exhausted. The journey that was supposed to be an estimated 11 hours took a whooping 24 hours! Almost double the duration.

Immediately I get out of the tin vehicle, I spot Femi; my tall dark bearded Yoruba adonis. & we immediately engulf each other in a passionate embrace. He was utterly gobsmacked that I had taken the bus to come see him. So was I. But I loved this man you see. Femi helped me load my bag into his car & we drive straight to his house.

You might ask me, was it worth it ?

& my answer was & always will be heck yes!

Here’s to bomb & steamy long distance make up sex. Femi paid for my flight back to Calabar & 2 weeks later he paid for me to come right back.

Guess who’s always worth it ?

Me!