The Little Pastor
Every Nigerian Church –I have been to– is home to at least one –sometimes two– resident child pastors. She or he is the congregation’s pride & joy. They are often tasked with the job of showcasing all the Children’s church sermons to the general congregation.
Second only to the head pastor’s children.
Lit Aunty with the Rose Tattoo
We’ve all had church crushes. Be honest. I was the church drummer –but also a hormonal teenager– who would drum roll just cause I knew all the bad aunties with the mean hip rotation would drop it low. It was the Bat signal.
I did that
I confessed my sins.
Strict Sunday School Teacher
Being the child of a fervent “Church Worker” we were always at church –before it opened. This means we never missed Sunday School. I spent my extra time memorizing bible verses so as to avoid the wrath of the weeks Sunday School Teacher.
as I got older
I became a Children’s Sunday School Teacher myself.
Mama With The Long Testimony “To cut a long story short”
Thanksgiving Sundays were always my favorite Sundays of the month.
Why is that you ask?
….. one of the only interactive parts of a church service, church members were typically allotted 2 minutes to tell a SHORT story about what the Lord has done in their lives.
8/10 testifiers would preface with this phrase
“to cut a long story short” the best ones.
It was NEVER short. Testifiers usually take off recounting an epic tale of the kingdom of heaven defeating the devil & all his agents.
The lady selling food and/or calling cards.
Say what you want but Nigerians are hustlers. Imagine this, you’ve said the grace & church is over. I bounce over to my mom to ask for $1 –it’s a ritual so she doesn’t ask what for– then all my friends & I run to the church parking lot.
No time is lost getting to the specific location we want; A vehicle, with the trunk popped filled to the brim with everyone’s weekly refill of Nigerian food for sale. Plantain chips, where my poison but I always got roped into helping someone carry a box of yam to their trunk.
The lady selling Mary Kay or Avon
S/O all my Mary Kay & Avon pushing Aunties. The Ladies were about their hustle before & after church service. They also always gave the best bomb christmas presents.
Church Community Doctor
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Stop trapping your fellow church member -who happens to be a pediatrician- with questions about your sick child after church.
Call them to setup an appointment. Appreciate our professionals. They may not want to work on their off days.
Guest Pastor with the weird Vibes
True story no lie…so listen
We went to random church one Sunday morning. My mom had been specially invited because a guest pastor was ministering. 10 minutes into the sermon, people start falling out. & then there was me. Confused & kinda thrown off, hoping the stranger beside me remains calm. Then Service goes on to end.
& we leave to go home.
The next Sunday we go to a different church, same guest pastor, same people, same “signs & wonders“.
Creepy Uncle (Agent of Darkness)
This one is for all the creepy “Uncles” out there. They are usually at church too. When they stare, they make you feel leery. The ones that make weird awkward comments about your weird teenage developing body or dancing techniques during praise & worship. They buy unsolicted gifts like a bottle of perfume & ask if you are wearing it the next time they see you.
Once again: STAY WOKE